How to feel heiter by nurturing your connection with others
Are you ever tempted to think of “heiter” as a luxury, or alovely optional extra, rather than a necessity? It’s easy to slip into this way of thinking about the things that add joy to your life. However, as we’ve all been forced to realise recently, as soon as you encounter a challenge—whether that’s a global pandemic, bereavement, job loss, relationship struggles, or health issues—those “little” things that bring you joy are actually not so little after all, but can be a lifeline during hard times.
One of the things that never fails to make me heiter is a sense of deep and meaningful connection with people that I love and trust. I’m writing this just a few weeks after a sudden family bereavement; my sister lost her life partner, a man who was a brother and dear friend to me, as well as being the source of much of my sister’s happiness and peace.
I’m not sure how we would get through this terribly difficult time without feeling connected to our support network. I’m more grateful than ever for all the time and energy we’ve put into our relationships during better times, so that that connection can be here now to hold us in our pain, without feeling forced.
Whether or not you’re going through a tough time yourself right now, being intentional about nurturing deep connection with the important people in your life is a powerful way to care for yourself in the here and now, as well as creating plenty of heiter moments in the future, no matter what might come your way. In the joys, sorrows, and everything in between of your life, connection with others will make the good times even better, as well as carrying you through the pain.
Here are a few ideas to help you nurture connection in a way that feels sustainable, and can work for your unique life circumstances.
Stay focused on your inner circle
As an extrovert with people-pleasing tendencies, I can fall into the trap of thinking I can be friends with everyone, and I’m often tempted to try and be all things to all people. This can be a very overwhelming way to live, and also means you can’t be there for the people who rely on you the most in as much depth as you’d like, because you’re stretched too thin.
Over the years, I’ve learned that I can have meaningful relationships and connection with lots of people, while also protecting my own energy and wellbeing, by implementing good boundaries and being aware of who my “inner circle” is. These are the people—family members and close friends—who I’m in a close, mutually self-giving relationship with, the people who I’d call or who would call me in an emergency or moment of celebration.
There’s no ideal number for your inner circle, but it’s important for this to be a manageable sized group, so be realistic about what feels right to you and the amount of energy you have to pour into relationships.
If you find that it feels rather cold to categorise the people in your life this way, just remember that having an inner circle doesn’t mean you can’t have plenty of other meaningful relationships beyond that group. It also doesn’t mean that those groups are inflexible or that relationships can’t shift and evolve over time. It just means that you know where to focus your attention and expectations, while holding it all lightly and allowing plenty of room for things to change.
Accept and celebrate relationships for what they are
When you’re really intentional about figuring out which relationships are priorities, and have invested time and energy into getting to know people and letting them know and really see you, you’ll become aware what you can realistically offer each other.
You’ll also become aware of the limitations of some relationships over time, and that’s okay too; in fact, it can be really freeing to know those limitations, so you don’t end up expecting too much of people. Perhaps you have a friend who is great at providing practical support, but isn’t always up for more deep and emotional conversations. Or, a friend who is great when you’re together, but not good at staying in touch long distance. When my children were born, for example, I appreciated how wonderful it is to have friends with different strengths and weaknesses; some who feel comfortable hanging out with you and the baby, some who’ll encourage you to reconnect with your pre-baby self and enjoy some time away from nappies and sleep schedules.
Knowing what to expect of people can help you accept and celebrate different relationships for what they are, and prevent you from needless frustration. If you have an intimate circle of supportive friends you can rely on, it doesn’t matter if other relationships feel more surface level or temporary.
Explore different ways of being in touch, until you find one that works for both of you
If your friend is always writing to you using Facebook messenger, but you only log on a couple of times a year and when you do you forget to check your private messages, you’re not going to have much luck connecting.
Have a play around with different communications styles, for example setting up a re-occurring Skype date, sending each other voice notes, emails, or even old-fashioned letters. Ask each other what makes the other person feel loved or overwhelmed. For example, I tend to get inbox overwhelm and have several hundred unread emails, and my evenings tend to get overbooked and I’m always tired once my kids are in bed, so phone calls can be hard to arrange, whereas I find it easy and fun to exchange voice notes, postcards, and WhatsApp messages.
Finding common areas of interest can be another great way to nurture your connection with someone; maybe you both love music and can exchange playlists, or perhaps you’re both bookworms and can take it in turns to suggest a different book to each other and then set up a catch up phone call to talk about them.
Find ways to remember what matters to them (and make it easy for them to do the same for you)
Paying attention to the little details that are important to the person you’re nurturing connection with is a great way to deepen your bond. Remembering to send a text to let someone know you’re thinking about them the morning of an important presentation or job interview, or reaching out on an anniversary shows people that you really care about them.
There are so many little, easy ways to do this, for example keeping an up to date address book so you can look up a loved one’s address and surprise them with post every now and again, making a note of people’s dietary needs and preferences in the margins of your recipe books, and putting reminders on your phone to get in touch with a loved one when an important day for them is approaching. Keeping a special calendar just for marking birthdays and important anniversaries and dates for your friends is another easy way to remember those important details and nurture connection.
I always feel so loved when someone remembers the anniversary of my dad’s death, for example, and reaches out to let me know they’re thinking of me. I want to be the kind of observant friend who does that for my closest friends and family.
Remember that sharing with others is an invitation
Sometimes, especially when we’re going through very hard times, reaching out for connection can feel selfish. We can worry about burdening someone else with our bad news or difficult feelings. But how many times do we fall into the trap of hoping others will be proactive and reach out to us to show us that they care, while the other person is secretly longing for connection but is feeling shy to reach out to us?
In the context of a trust-based relationship that you’ve chosen to invest in, opening up and sharing the joys and sorrows of your life with someone can be a beautiful invitation to them to share their ups and downs with you in return. Not everyone will be open to that invitation, but in my experience discovering a deep soul-connection with someone is one of life’s greatest joys, and worth every ounce of potential discomfort or awkwardness as you seek it out and nurture it.
Words & image: Sophie Caldecott
Sophie Caldecott is a writer living in a cosy cottage on the edge of the moor in the South-West of England. She explores themes of connection, empathy, and all the things that make life worth living in her work.
By introducing The Heiter Society we, here are heiter, have tried to expand our reader’s experience by offering alternative ways of finding joy. By organising workshops, co-working and networking sessions, we offer them an online haven where they can try out new creative and mindful activities and connect with like-minded people.
Sounds interesting? Then we’re inviting you to join now and instantly benefit from monthly workshops, a lovely community and depending on your level, advertising opportunities for your independent business. Discover all details here.
The doors to the society are open until the end of February 2023 and might stay closed for the rest of the year. In case you wonder, all sessions are recorded and can be re-visited in your own time, the payments are monthly and you can cancel your membership whenever you wish.