Picture the scene: children calmly and quietly playing with their wooden blocks while I cook a nutritious dinner from scratch. Sounds too good to be true? I agree. Before having children my husband and I used to discuss how we wanted to raise a family. Being mindful – both in the sense of being ‘present’ with our children and also of our impact on the environment – always came up in as key considerations for us. Needless to say the idyllic life we dreamed up has yet to come to fruition. I have often actively encouraged our toddler to watch television so I could have a few minutes to do something. I’m also frequently on my phone. And, let’s not kid ourselves, a lot of plastic has entered the house in the last couple of years.

However, even though our idealistic dreams haven’t exactly panned out I still think those early chats were important and have helped me navigate parenthood in a more mindful manner. Here are some other things I’ve picked up along the way that make the journey slightly smoother:

Stop comparing yourself to others. Social media tends to just show the good bits, and that’s fine, but it’s important to remember that no-one lives like that 100% of the time. No, not even that totally perfect family on Instagram. We all have bad days, weeks, months even. If you’re feeling like you can’t compete, do yourself a favour and take a break. Focus in on your family. It’s totally fine to have days where the biggest achievement is getting everyone fed.
Take the pressure off. This is true for any age but especially so if you have a child under one. Social media, family, friends – when you’re parenting there’s a constant stream of people telling you how it should be done. Even if you’re taking on the advice of the first point it can still be hard to block out the unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends and family. You can politely tell them you’re fine doing things your way or you can just smile and nod and completely ignore them. Either way, you do what you think is best for your family. Take a deep breath. Relax. Then just take the pressure off yourself to do things a certain way. Before the baby was born, you were adamant you wanted to use cloth nappies but now you find you just can’t keep up with the washing? Use disposables. You can always switch back when things feel a bit easier. Your baby isn’t interested in the wholesome activity you planned? Just being with you in the world is enough for them right now. You are enough. The games and activities can come later.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder…or more tolerant to playing tractors. This won’t be for everyone but I was surprised at how much easier I found it to be truly present with my child when I also built in time to be absent from them. This is partly because I can dedicate the time to do at least some of the tasks that would otherwise be buzzing round my head constantly; but it also just that it turns out I have a limit on how long I can make ‘brmmm brmmm’ noises for. Even if you aren’t able to have time away from your child it can be helpful to mentally dedicate time to different activities ie time when you’ll encourage your child to play independently/watch tv so you can get things done, time when you’ll attempt to do chores that they can ‘help’ with and time when you’ll fully commit to being in the present and doing something with them.
Do things you like doing. Obviously your child will have their own interests and preferences and probably the older they get the more set these will be. However, it’s much easier and much more enjoyable to parent mindfully if you actually like what you’re doing. So try and find activities that you both like, find books you enjoy, crafts you both like, tv shows you can watch together (CBeebies has some great ones. Don’t get me started on Bing though). Also if someone gifts your child a present you hate just get it to the charity shop immediately. Our village gives the children really generous Christmas presents which is lovely in theory. This year our 6-month-old got a singing bear. It lasted one day in the house.
Get outside. I don’t know what it is about nature but it really has the power to calm and reset. Indoors there are so many boundaries: ‘no, you can’t touch the oven, it’s hot’, ‘no, you can’t put your toothbrush down the toilet’, ‘please stop pulling all Mummy’s socks out of the drawer’ etc. Outside is so much freer. It’s liberating for both of you. Let them dig in the dirt. Discover worms. Sniff the flowers. Hear the birds singing. Watch them as they explore the world.

The above all focus on ways to help you feel calmer and more present with your child. Parenting mindfully in terms of your impact on the world will look different for different people. The big one for me though is to make use of charity shops and second-hand websites. Children wear clothes and play with toys for such a short time before they’ve outgrown them that second-hand items are frequently in excellent condition. Also don’t bother buying your children presents for the first couple of years when they don’t really get what’s going on. Believe me, they’ll get more than enough from everyone else.

Words: Rebecca McCandler

Rebecca is a mum and freelance writer. She lives with her husband and two small sons in Indre et Loire, France. The family moved there from the UK in 2020 and you can follow their journey both on Instagram and Youtube at Living in the Loire.